The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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