Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
