Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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