i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he told me I talked like a deaf person
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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