I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
