I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
