I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
