But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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