hell yes lets make some ravioli
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
