3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
