So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
