Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
