so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
