My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
