he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
