and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
