I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
