i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
