So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
