if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
