a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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