She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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