I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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