Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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