pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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