There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
