Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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