she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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