Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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