Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Your topless pictures make me question reality
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
