one two three fourrrrnication!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
