I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
