dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
