What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
