I hate all girls vehemently.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize