Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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