the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
