i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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