Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I love you. Go after that dick
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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