If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
