i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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