so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
