i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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