maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
