I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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