Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize