I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
