I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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