then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
