R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
