I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
