some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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