He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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