Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
