We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
