Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
