You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Come share oat with me in your robe
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize