now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
