ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
God, I missed his penis.
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