Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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