3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
