I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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