so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The uberlube is also flammable
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
