Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
