I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
do herpes really smell.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Drunk is not a location!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
