According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
