I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
